Joy

Life has changed...again!  Our newest precious addition, Israel Benjamin, came into our lives on January 18, 2012.  He is absolutely amazing.  The cutest baby on the planet of course!  He is smiling, kind of laughing, snuggly and kissable.  Life is just so much fun with a baby.  I know some people aren't baby people...but I am.  I've always loved babies, but having your own is like nothing else... Babies fill that spot in your arms that otherwise is empty most of the day.  They look at you like you're the most beautiful thing in the world.  They grab your hair, your shirt, your finger, like they're desperate for you.  They snuggle into your chest like you're their own personal pillow (which you are of course).  They cry and need you.  They need you... which is a wonderful feeling.  I love being needed by my children.  And to tell you the truth it scares me to think of the time they won't need me anymore.  I know it's coming...  

I have many days that I fail as a mother, as a teacher, as a wife.  I hate myself on those days.  I feel like giving up and why am I a mother and why in the world am I homeschooling these awful children? But those moments are brief in retrospect.  They're like tiny clouds in the most beautiful, rainbow filled sky.  The days I have with them (even the ones where half of it are terrible) are precious, sacred even.  I have moments that I treasure... Like the other day when Jonah was learning about Egypt in our Africa unit study.  I pulled out a few passages in the Bible for him to read about people in Egypt (Moses, Joseph, Mary and Joseph).  So we sat there and he read... my 6 year old boy and I reading and learning together.  I'd never had him read from a "grown up" Bible before.  It probably wasn't an epic moment for him...but for me it was one of those moments.  There are moments with Solomon where we are doing "school" and he gets so excited.  He wants to please me and his eyes twinkle with delight when he gets a flashcard right or does a workbook.  He claps his hands excitedly and says "this is so much fun mommy".  He brings joy to my life in ways that I missed out on before he was here. 

So in the midst of failure and having messy days, I have to remember this joy.  It's here that I want to remain...not lost in the ugliness of guilt and frustration.