My Jonah

So my oldest son turned 5. Words cannot express how I love that child. I'll try...

I love his laugh, the way he finds joy in silly things. I love how he hugs and kisses me all the time, not feeling any shame or embarrassment yet. I love the way he pushes up his hair off his forehead, even though it doesn't really help to do so. I love the way he loves to wear big baggy tshirts and "cozy" pants every day. I love the way he talks, his voice and the words he can't really say yet. I love how serious he is, how he loves to follow the rules. I love how responsible he is, how he could probably run the household by himself. I love how smart he is. I love that he loves Scooby Doo, and scary guys. I love that he preaches to his brother about Jesus, and warns him about how scary Hall (hell) is. I love how tender he is, how when I cry, he cries and comforts me. I love how he has taken Emily under his wing and loved her like a sister. I love how he teaches others, how patient and kind he is. I love how he is interested in math, counting and adding and figuring stuff out. I love that he loves his family so incredibly much, how his cousins are his best friends. I love his sweet hands that reach out to hold mine. I love his half outie belly button. I love his skinny little boy legs and knobby knees. I love his beautiful eyes that reflect so much emotion. I love his big feet. I love how he's oblivious to his surroundings, how he has a very focused mind. I love his dancing. I love how he calls me Momma. I love how persistent he is when trying something new. I love how he looks like his daddy. I love how he gets so excited to see his grams. I love how he asks "momma, can I whisper something in your ear?". I love his embarrassed face. I love him.

Being a mother has changed me. I am not perfect, not anywhere close. But it has made me better. The biggest thing I've noticed is that I feel more. In general, I just feel more. I believe that when you become a mother, emotions are so close to the surface, they just overflow more often. All of the sudden you love someone so much, differently than anything else, that your heart is vulnerable...it's ready to feel. I like this, but I don't. I don't like being emotional, but sometimes it is nice to feel more. More happiness, joy, excitement...

I've also experienced Jesus differently. You hear all the time how He loves us as children... I didn't understand this until I had a child. All of the sudden I felt the parental love, the crazy, passionate, I'd die for you love. And I got it. Jesus feels like this for me?! Wow. How much more do I want to thank Him, worship Him, honor Him? I want to please Him, I want Him to be proud of me. I thank Him for a child, for revealing His love to me. Now I understand... When my child messes up, I don't love him less. I forgive him and it's ok. How much more does God do that for us? I'm in a human capacity, but God does all this in a God capacity! This is exciting... I can feel forgiven, redeemed, restored. I love knowing that He is my Father, that He'll always love me and cherish me as I love my child. It's a safe, warm feeling...

Jonah will always be special to me...my first born. He tells me "Momma, I love you most. I love you more than you love me.". No way, buddy. I tell him that's impossible. He'll never understand the love a mother has for her child... But for now, I'll cherish those sweet words from my boy. I'll treasure them in my heart and always remember those little boy kisses, the little hand in mine, and how he needs me.

I'm a heartbreaker

So I broke Jonah's heart tonight. At least, that's what he told me. It seems to be a new trend in our house. If I yell, or some one's in trouble--they say, "mom you broke my heart". And it kills me! Usually it's said in a sad, sad voice, near tears, or in the midst of tears. My mommy heart melts. Jonah and I had it out tonight though... I told him he can't say that when he's mearly upset with me. That's a serious accusation, right?! So he finally came out of bed, after sobbing for a while...and said "I can't go to bed without being forgiven". Wow. Now this, this was a proud mother moment. My son, who's almost 5, has already developed a strong sense of forgiveness, the need for it, the desire for it, the importance of reconciliation. Wow. I was amazed at this. How many times have I gone to bed, needing to be forgiven, not caring, not even thinking about it. How many times have my relationships suffered because of my indifference? My child amazes me. With his swollen eyes, wet cheeks and whimpering voice, our relationship was restored.

Oh Lord, please let me be sensitive to forgiveness, and the need for it...from You and those I care about most. Thank you for my son who teaches me so much about Your love for me.