My Jonah

So my oldest son turned 5. Words cannot express how I love that child. I'll try...

I love his laugh, the way he finds joy in silly things. I love how he hugs and kisses me all the time, not feeling any shame or embarrassment yet. I love the way he pushes up his hair off his forehead, even though it doesn't really help to do so. I love the way he loves to wear big baggy tshirts and "cozy" pants every day. I love the way he talks, his voice and the words he can't really say yet. I love how serious he is, how he loves to follow the rules. I love how responsible he is, how he could probably run the household by himself. I love how smart he is. I love that he loves Scooby Doo, and scary guys. I love that he preaches to his brother about Jesus, and warns him about how scary Hall (hell) is. I love how tender he is, how when I cry, he cries and comforts me. I love how he has taken Emily under his wing and loved her like a sister. I love how he teaches others, how patient and kind he is. I love how he is interested in math, counting and adding and figuring stuff out. I love that he loves his family so incredibly much, how his cousins are his best friends. I love his sweet hands that reach out to hold mine. I love his half outie belly button. I love his skinny little boy legs and knobby knees. I love his beautiful eyes that reflect so much emotion. I love his big feet. I love how he's oblivious to his surroundings, how he has a very focused mind. I love his dancing. I love how he calls me Momma. I love how persistent he is when trying something new. I love how he looks like his daddy. I love how he gets so excited to see his grams. I love how he asks "momma, can I whisper something in your ear?". I love his embarrassed face. I love him.

Being a mother has changed me. I am not perfect, not anywhere close. But it has made me better. The biggest thing I've noticed is that I feel more. In general, I just feel more. I believe that when you become a mother, emotions are so close to the surface, they just overflow more often. All of the sudden you love someone so much, differently than anything else, that your heart is vulnerable...it's ready to feel. I like this, but I don't. I don't like being emotional, but sometimes it is nice to feel more. More happiness, joy, excitement...

I've also experienced Jesus differently. You hear all the time how He loves us as children... I didn't understand this until I had a child. All of the sudden I felt the parental love, the crazy, passionate, I'd die for you love. And I got it. Jesus feels like this for me?! Wow. How much more do I want to thank Him, worship Him, honor Him? I want to please Him, I want Him to be proud of me. I thank Him for a child, for revealing His love to me. Now I understand... When my child messes up, I don't love him less. I forgive him and it's ok. How much more does God do that for us? I'm in a human capacity, but God does all this in a God capacity! This is exciting... I can feel forgiven, redeemed, restored. I love knowing that He is my Father, that He'll always love me and cherish me as I love my child. It's a safe, warm feeling...

Jonah will always be special to me...my first born. He tells me "Momma, I love you most. I love you more than you love me.". No way, buddy. I tell him that's impossible. He'll never understand the love a mother has for her child... But for now, I'll cherish those sweet words from my boy. I'll treasure them in my heart and always remember those little boy kisses, the little hand in mine, and how he needs me.

I'm a heartbreaker

So I broke Jonah's heart tonight. At least, that's what he told me. It seems to be a new trend in our house. If I yell, or some one's in trouble--they say, "mom you broke my heart". And it kills me! Usually it's said in a sad, sad voice, near tears, or in the midst of tears. My mommy heart melts. Jonah and I had it out tonight though... I told him he can't say that when he's mearly upset with me. That's a serious accusation, right?! So he finally came out of bed, after sobbing for a while...and said "I can't go to bed without being forgiven". Wow. Now this, this was a proud mother moment. My son, who's almost 5, has already developed a strong sense of forgiveness, the need for it, the desire for it, the importance of reconciliation. Wow. I was amazed at this. How many times have I gone to bed, needing to be forgiven, not caring, not even thinking about it. How many times have my relationships suffered because of my indifference? My child amazes me. With his swollen eyes, wet cheeks and whimpering voice, our relationship was restored.

Oh Lord, please let me be sensitive to forgiveness, and the need for it...from You and those I care about most. Thank you for my son who teaches me so much about Your love for me.

I am thankful!

I am thankful for a lot this Thanksgiving... here are a few of the things...

-I'm thankful for my Lord, who has saved me from death and misery.

-I'm thankful for my husband, who has been faithful, supportive, loving, patient and the man of my dreams.

-I'm thankful for Jonah, my smart, sensitive, funny and serious almost 5 year old.

-I'm thankful for Solomon, my tender, silly, loving and wild 2.5 year old.

-I'm thankful for my church.

-I'm thankful for our community group, who has been such a great group of people to get to know.

-I'm thankful for my mom, always there for me, always helping and caring for me.

-I'm thankful for my sister, such a great friend and source of wisdom.

-I'm thankful for my job, that I can work at home, have fun, and do my own adult thing.

-I'm thankful for our house.

-I'm thankful for our running cars.

-I'm thankful for my husband's job.

-I'm thankful to live in America.

-I'm thankful to live in a safe, nice community.

-I'm thankful for a healthy family.

-I'm thankful for our co-op

-I'm thankful for the right to homeschool

-I'm thankful to live close to family.

-I'm thankful for wonderful in-laws.

-I'm thankful for warm clothes, blankets, beds.

-I'm thankful for Safe Families.

-I'm thankful for spiritual growth.

-I'm thankful for fun things in life, cookies, movies, and cell phones.

-I'm thankful for blogging, facebook, texting, technology.

I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm failing to mention...

but most of all I'm thankful that Jesus came to earth, died for me, and is now alive and reigning in my heart and the lives of my family. Thank you Lord for being in charge.

Death

Death is a strange thing. I just got a phone call from my mom telling me my grandpa died. It was sudden, unexpected, tragic. When isn't death though? I'm shocked. I'm crying. Mostly I'm hurting inside for my grandma. She depended on him for everything...driving, cooking, day to day stuff...everything. She's alone. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. I ache for her, knowing her life just stopped, her energy gone, darkness took over.

I feel conflicted though. Thanking the Lord my grandpa knew Jesus, is free, isn't lost forever. But in such a sorrowful time, is joy allowed? Is it appropriate to be sad, knowing it's better he's with the King? Is it okay to go on with life...knowing a loved soul is gone? Is it bad to act normal, happy even? Am I insensitive to be bored with crying already? Why is death so difficult? I understand if you don't have the hope of Heaven...the hope of knowing you'll be with your Savior after you die... how scary, how sad, how miserable. But I do have this hope, I have a personal Savior that I know I will be with after this life is over... so why is death sad, scary still? I suppose as human beings we can understand something, but not really understand, not really grasp, not really know it in our depths. It's hard to let that go, to not understand and be okay with it. I can't really. I have decided, though, that I will not doubt or question my Lord, my faith, ever again. I've been down that road, and it's not somewhere I'm willing to go again. Yes, there are things that I don't understand, will never understand... but I choose to say "You know, Lord... I trust you Lord. That's enough for me Lord"

I'm scared for when my time to lose someone even closer comes... I loved my grandpa...a lot. He was a good man. A faithful man. He took care of my grandma. He gave the best hugs...I can still smell his aftershave. I can hear his deep voice. But what happens when someone else dies, someone even closer to my heart? I can't imagine it...don't want to. I dread the day. But why is death so hard? Oh Lord, fill my heart with peace and a supernatural trust in You.

My Current Top 10

Right now I'm enjoying...

(in no particular order)

1. I am excited for the holiday season!

2. Homeschooling is a blast... I love learning about my children through homeschooling, spending such different, quality time with them. It's like forced special 1 on 1 time that might not happen if we did traditional school.

3. I love fall clothes.

4. Having a foster child, and the prospect of doing it again and again! What a blessing to open our home to someone in need.

5. Solomon is at the cutest age right now. He is so charming and adorable... I can't get enough of him.

6. Jonah is becoming a wonderful young man. So smart, discerning and sensitive. I am so proud of who he is.

7. Seeing my husband with our foster daughter...can't wait to have one of our own!

8. Finally have a computer at home! So I can do cool things like blog and look up recipes.

9. My house is really shaping up. New floors, more organization, feels good.

10. My husband's job is going to get better! (hopefully details to follow soon)

Right now I'm struggling with...

1. My home, not enough space...especially now that it's getting colder and darker outside.

2. Not ever having enough time for things...

3. My weight, body issues. ugh

4. Having a foster child.

5. Feeling guilt over not doing things I should be/want to be doing.

6. Worrying about money, especially this time of year.

7. Not spending enough time in prayer, with the Lord. A big rut.

8. Controlling my temper.

9. Watching too much TV, and letting my kids do it too.

10. Being content, trusting in God, letting go.

So I noticed a lot of my "good" and "bad" items are the same... I think I'll try and focus on the good aspect of those issues.

Burgers and date night

Chris and I decided we needed a date night. Saturday night was the night. I looked around for a fun outing, something different...something he'd like to do. So I came across comedy clubs, and found a show in Schaumburg, not too far from us. Yay! We were excited. So for dinner plans we couldn't decide. Chris loves "Five Guys", delish burgers and fries. But there's also "Meatheads", another fab burger place... sooo we decided to do both. One burger at each, one order of fries...and we'd determine the winner! Here our the results:

Best ambiance: Meatheads

Best bun: Hannah-Meatheads, Chris-Five Guys

Best burger: Five Guys

Best topping choices: Five Guys (anything you want basically)

Best fries: Meatheads (we got the cajun fries at both places)

Best service: Meatheads

So basically it was a pretty close call. I think overall I like Meatheads better, and Chris may say Five Guys...but we'd go either place anytime! I told Chris it's a good thing we don't live too close to these places, or he'd be 500 pounds. Well, I probably would be too...

Date night is always fun...especially when you have little kids. The comedy club was great, so good to just laugh. I always love time with my husband, he's my favorite person in the world. I don't get people that don't want to be with their husbands, because if it were up to me, we'd be together at all times. He laughs when I tell him these things, but I'm serious! Maybe it's my intense neediness, or something defective... but I'm highly attached to him. I like it that way.

Another effort

Here I am again...trying to start this "blogging" thing. It's been a while. Every time I read someone else's blog, I am inspired to write my own. I love writing, I always have. I love the idea of putting my thoughts and feelings into words, sentances, paragraphs. Although I don't have any fantastic ideas or topics to explore, I feel drawn to write.

Today was a "bad mommy" day. I was tired, impatient, harsh, not fun. I hate these days. I wish I could be a perfect mom everyday. I wish I had a day that people would see me and say "woah, she is a great mom, I wish I could be like her!". Instead, I had a day where I would be afraid what people would say if they saw my mothering skills. Not like I'm beating my children or anything...don't call the police. It's just that I feel a higher calling to motherhood. I feel such a huge responsability to nurture, develop, disciple. The days where I'm just surviving, I fail. I know, I know...I"m being hard on myself. That's what I'd tell a friend. I have high expectations for everyone, everything...especially myself. This is the point where I remind myself that I AM a failure, I am not good; BUT that the LORD that HE is powerful, HE is good, HE is strong, loving, patient, and wise.

If I only remembered to trust in Him every minute instead of trying to "do my best"... If I remembered to pray instead of complain, or worship instead of whine. I think my day would have been a lot better.