Death

Death is a strange thing. I just got a phone call from my mom telling me my grandpa died. It was sudden, unexpected, tragic. When isn't death though? I'm shocked. I'm crying. Mostly I'm hurting inside for my grandma. She depended on him for everything...driving, cooking, day to day stuff...everything. She's alone. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. I ache for her, knowing her life just stopped, her energy gone, darkness took over.

I feel conflicted though. Thanking the Lord my grandpa knew Jesus, is free, isn't lost forever. But in such a sorrowful time, is joy allowed? Is it appropriate to be sad, knowing it's better he's with the King? Is it okay to go on with life...knowing a loved soul is gone? Is it bad to act normal, happy even? Am I insensitive to be bored with crying already? Why is death so difficult? I understand if you don't have the hope of Heaven...the hope of knowing you'll be with your Savior after you die... how scary, how sad, how miserable. But I do have this hope, I have a personal Savior that I know I will be with after this life is over... so why is death sad, scary still? I suppose as human beings we can understand something, but not really understand, not really grasp, not really know it in our depths. It's hard to let that go, to not understand and be okay with it. I can't really. I have decided, though, that I will not doubt or question my Lord, my faith, ever again. I've been down that road, and it's not somewhere I'm willing to go again. Yes, there are things that I don't understand, will never understand... but I choose to say "You know, Lord... I trust you Lord. That's enough for me Lord"

I'm scared for when my time to lose someone even closer comes... I loved my grandpa...a lot. He was a good man. A faithful man. He took care of my grandma. He gave the best hugs...I can still smell his aftershave. I can hear his deep voice. But what happens when someone else dies, someone even closer to my heart? I can't imagine it...don't want to. I dread the day. But why is death so hard? Oh Lord, fill my heart with peace and a supernatural trust in You.

My Current Top 10

Right now I'm enjoying...

(in no particular order)

1. I am excited for the holiday season!

2. Homeschooling is a blast... I love learning about my children through homeschooling, spending such different, quality time with them. It's like forced special 1 on 1 time that might not happen if we did traditional school.

3. I love fall clothes.

4. Having a foster child, and the prospect of doing it again and again! What a blessing to open our home to someone in need.

5. Solomon is at the cutest age right now. He is so charming and adorable... I can't get enough of him.

6. Jonah is becoming a wonderful young man. So smart, discerning and sensitive. I am so proud of who he is.

7. Seeing my husband with our foster daughter...can't wait to have one of our own!

8. Finally have a computer at home! So I can do cool things like blog and look up recipes.

9. My house is really shaping up. New floors, more organization, feels good.

10. My husband's job is going to get better! (hopefully details to follow soon)

Right now I'm struggling with...

1. My home, not enough space...especially now that it's getting colder and darker outside.

2. Not ever having enough time for things...

3. My weight, body issues. ugh

4. Having a foster child.

5. Feeling guilt over not doing things I should be/want to be doing.

6. Worrying about money, especially this time of year.

7. Not spending enough time in prayer, with the Lord. A big rut.

8. Controlling my temper.

9. Watching too much TV, and letting my kids do it too.

10. Being content, trusting in God, letting go.

So I noticed a lot of my "good" and "bad" items are the same... I think I'll try and focus on the good aspect of those issues.

Burgers and date night

Chris and I decided we needed a date night. Saturday night was the night. I looked around for a fun outing, something different...something he'd like to do. So I came across comedy clubs, and found a show in Schaumburg, not too far from us. Yay! We were excited. So for dinner plans we couldn't decide. Chris loves "Five Guys", delish burgers and fries. But there's also "Meatheads", another fab burger place... sooo we decided to do both. One burger at each, one order of fries...and we'd determine the winner! Here our the results:

Best ambiance: Meatheads

Best bun: Hannah-Meatheads, Chris-Five Guys

Best burger: Five Guys

Best topping choices: Five Guys (anything you want basically)

Best fries: Meatheads (we got the cajun fries at both places)

Best service: Meatheads

So basically it was a pretty close call. I think overall I like Meatheads better, and Chris may say Five Guys...but we'd go either place anytime! I told Chris it's a good thing we don't live too close to these places, or he'd be 500 pounds. Well, I probably would be too...

Date night is always fun...especially when you have little kids. The comedy club was great, so good to just laugh. I always love time with my husband, he's my favorite person in the world. I don't get people that don't want to be with their husbands, because if it were up to me, we'd be together at all times. He laughs when I tell him these things, but I'm serious! Maybe it's my intense neediness, or something defective... but I'm highly attached to him. I like it that way.

Another effort

Here I am again...trying to start this "blogging" thing. It's been a while. Every time I read someone else's blog, I am inspired to write my own. I love writing, I always have. I love the idea of putting my thoughts and feelings into words, sentances, paragraphs. Although I don't have any fantastic ideas or topics to explore, I feel drawn to write.

Today was a "bad mommy" day. I was tired, impatient, harsh, not fun. I hate these days. I wish I could be a perfect mom everyday. I wish I had a day that people would see me and say "woah, she is a great mom, I wish I could be like her!". Instead, I had a day where I would be afraid what people would say if they saw my mothering skills. Not like I'm beating my children or anything...don't call the police. It's just that I feel a higher calling to motherhood. I feel such a huge responsability to nurture, develop, disciple. The days where I'm just surviving, I fail. I know, I know...I"m being hard on myself. That's what I'd tell a friend. I have high expectations for everyone, everything...especially myself. This is the point where I remind myself that I AM a failure, I am not good; BUT that the LORD that HE is powerful, HE is good, HE is strong, loving, patient, and wise.

If I only remembered to trust in Him every minute instead of trying to "do my best"... If I remembered to pray instead of complain, or worship instead of whine. I think my day would have been a lot better.

Timing

My heart and mind have been consumed with adoption details... Just wondering and waiting, dreaming and pondering, fantasizing and speculating. When? Why? Who? It's overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like "is it worth it?" "maybe we should just have another child biologically, it sure seems easier"... but then I hear that still small voice reminding me of His commands to love orphans, to sacrifice ourselves for others, to give. I know it's His calling for our lives, and that is assurance enough for me. I'm frustrated that things aren't going faster, I wish we had been more diligent financially so we had more saved... but that's not how things are right now. I shared this with a friend who had adopted, and she told me something that I think will help me immensely through this process. She said that while they were waiting to receive their referral for their child, and then when then they were waiting to bring her home, she was reminded of God's perfect timing. She thought "we will be at the top of the waiting list when our child is ready for us", no sooner, no later. I loved that thought... yes, we can speed things up if we push papers faster, raise money faster... or we can slow things down if we're lazy and don't submit forms or do this or that... BUT our baby, the baby God has designed for our family, will not be ready until we are. God's timing is absolutely perfect... I pray that I embrace this truth in my heart, and act it out in my thought life. Will you pray that for us? That we don't get caught up in the "doing", that we meditate on the truth of God's sovereignty and plan for our adoption? I get all choked up just thinking about our baby...our baby who's not even born yet! But somewhere, far far away-that baby's parents are living and probably struggling. I've been praying for them in the meantime...

These are my thoughts this morning, as life seems "on hold", but moving fast at the same time. Thank you for sharing these emotions with me...

updated pictures

I saw the last picture of Jonah on my blog and said wow! He's grown up a lot, and so has Solomon... so I thought you needed to see how gorgeous they are now. :)

Starting our Adoption Journey

Wow... it's been almost a year since I've blogged. BUT, I have a new mission to blog about. We have officially started our adoption journey!!! Let me catch you up on what our story is...

Chris and I have always talked about adopting someday, even before we were dating we had the conversation. It's been a desire of mine for as long as I can remember... I'm not sure why it's so ingrained in my heart-but it really is. A calling, some would say. When the "kids" conversation came up in our relationship, we decided we would definitely be adopting. After Jonah was born, we wanted to adopt our next child. We went to an Adoption Resource Center (ARC) conference at our church to learn more. We were so encouraged and inspired by the information we learned. We had originally thought we'd adopt through foster care, since it's so inexpensive. We wanted to adopt an African American baby, or mixed baby, whoever needed us the most. At the conference we heard statistics about orphans here, and around the world. We were so moved by the enormous numbers of orphans in Africa...and truly felt the Holy Spirit convicting us of the fear of the cost of international adoption. We looked at each other after that seminar and said, "we have to go to Africa". We then went to the "affording adoption" seminar, and were even more encouraged. We heard many stories of how God had provided for the costs, and how faithful He was throughout the process. We really believe God has called us to do this, and that He will finish this good work through us. After looking into African adoption, we decided Ethiopia was the country, simply because it seems to be the "simplest" country to adopt from in Africa. We also found out you have to be 25 years old, which I wasn't. So we decided to wait a few years, hopefully have another child before then... and Solomon joined our family!

We found our agency, Gladney Center in Texas, through friend's referrals. (http://adoptionsbygladney.com) We researched it and loved what we found. It has been around for a while, has a great reputation, and most importantly for us, has their own orphanage and people living in Ethiopia. We have been impressed with them every step of the way.

So far we have completed a few paperwork items, have completed our "phone orientation", but are really just beginning. Paperwork is a big part of this process! Our basic time outline they've given us is:

4-6 months of paperwork

9 months of waiting to be matched with a child

5-7 months until the child comes home

total about 18 months

Hopefully everything goes as planned, and totally smooth! Then we will have a baby in less than two years!

Speaking of baby, yes we are choosing a baby. The age bracket is 4-12 months. We didn't specify a gender, and also are open to adopting twins if they're available. We really would love to adopt two kids, so we figure if we can do it at once, great! Scary, but great.

Cost, yes, cost.... a biggie. As I mentioned, we believe God will provide. For us, that means we don't fear the way we will pay for this. It's about $18,000. We are planning on doing fundraisers, and applying for grants, as well as our own contribution. It's daunting, for sure... but nothing is impossible with God. We are praying like crazy for funds to come in, for miracles to happen, for our lives to change-which they will. God has always been faithful to us, He blesses us all the time, and we can't wait to see what things God will surprise us with in the next 2 years. It's humbling and crazy to think about...

I will keep updating this blog, I want to keep everyone aware of the details, and keep people involved in the process. We are planning some events, and will definitely share those details when we can. Thank you for your interest, and support... we will need all we can get! I ask for your prayers most of all, please lift us up whenever you think of us. For patience and endurance, for unity in our family, for money to come in, for our testimony through this, for our child-to-be's mother and father in Ethiopia... Thank you.