Death

Death is a strange thing. I just got a phone call from my mom telling me my grandpa died. It was sudden, unexpected, tragic. When isn't death though? I'm shocked. I'm crying. Mostly I'm hurting inside for my grandma. She depended on him for everything...driving, cooking, day to day stuff...everything. She's alone. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. I ache for her, knowing her life just stopped, her energy gone, darkness took over.

I feel conflicted though. Thanking the Lord my grandpa knew Jesus, is free, isn't lost forever. But in such a sorrowful time, is joy allowed? Is it appropriate to be sad, knowing it's better he's with the King? Is it okay to go on with life...knowing a loved soul is gone? Is it bad to act normal, happy even? Am I insensitive to be bored with crying already? Why is death so difficult? I understand if you don't have the hope of Heaven...the hope of knowing you'll be with your Savior after you die... how scary, how sad, how miserable. But I do have this hope, I have a personal Savior that I know I will be with after this life is over... so why is death sad, scary still? I suppose as human beings we can understand something, but not really understand, not really grasp, not really know it in our depths. It's hard to let that go, to not understand and be okay with it. I can't really. I have decided, though, that I will not doubt or question my Lord, my faith, ever again. I've been down that road, and it's not somewhere I'm willing to go again. Yes, there are things that I don't understand, will never understand... but I choose to say "You know, Lord... I trust you Lord. That's enough for me Lord"

I'm scared for when my time to lose someone even closer comes... I loved my grandpa...a lot. He was a good man. A faithful man. He took care of my grandma. He gave the best hugs...I can still smell his aftershave. I can hear his deep voice. But what happens when someone else dies, someone even closer to my heart? I can't imagine it...don't want to. I dread the day. But why is death so hard? Oh Lord, fill my heart with peace and a supernatural trust in You.