Summer Lovin'

I love summer. It is the greatest time of year as far as I'm concerned. The sun, the freedom to go without coats or shoes, windows open, playing outside, green grass, the smell of barbecue, my freckles that appear, it's all great. I have a few fun things planned this summer that I'm really excited about. My husband and I have our 5th wedding anniversary! We are going to a lake house for a few days--ALONE! This is amazing...our first trip alone in 2 1/2 years. It'll be wonderful. I'm sure we'll miss our boys like crazy, but it's important to reserve that time for just us and our relationship. I'm also going to catch up with some good friends this summer, ones that I haven't seen in a long time. That should be good. Chris is going to Brazil, which I am thrilled for him about. But I'm also dreading it because that means I'm alone for a week...man that's going to be rough! It's okay, I'll keep really busy. I am going up to Fort Wilderness, a wonderful camp in northern WI, for a week. I grew up going there every year, and Chris and I met there 6 years ago. I'll be taking the boys, and my mom--we will be working and having a blast. If you like to camp, you should check out their website, it's www.fortwilderness.com.

So yes, my summer is filled with fun and good memory makers. I plan on going to the splashpark with the boys, the zoo, multiple parks, you name it. So far it's the best summer ever... I'll let you know how it finishes.

Silence

My house is completely silent right now, minus the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. Do you like silence? Sometimes I do. For me, it's easiest to think, to get work done, to study, etc, in silence. Some people insist on having music or background noise to help them think. Not me, it's too distracting. I like to have silence then, but I prefer some noise most of the time. I love the sound of my husband's laughter, I love the sound of my Jonah asking incessant questions, I love the sound of Solomon's squeals, and I love the sound of music. My favorite musical sound is that of worship...I love to hear a church full of people singing to the Lord...it's amazing to me. This morning I had one of those "goosebump" moments at church. I don't even remember the particular song we were singing, but the band was great, the mix was perfect (thank you Mike), and I just stopped singing for a second to hear all the voices blend together... it was beautiful. I picture Jesus in Heaven, closing his eyes, smiling and feeling such love for his children. That's a wonderful noise. I also love the sound of prayer...when a room of people are praying in small circles (as us Christians like to do). The hum of prayers being lifted up to our Savior is precious. It's encouraging to me to listen to that, to know all these people are asking, thanking, petitioning to Him, just like I am. I love those noises.

Then there are noises that I don't like... children screaming (well, all screaming for that matter), my husband snoring, food being chewed, my dog growling in the night, and really loud bass from the ghetto car next to you at a stop light.

Silence is different though... it's lonely to me. Especially at night time, I feel empty in the silence. I don't know why, but I don't like it. I want the TV on just to feel like I'm not alone... but I'm still yearning for something that's not here.

Tonight it is silent, and noise would be welcome...

Friendship

Good friends are hard to find...would you agree? I'm one of those people who have always had 1 or 2 really close friends and really no one else. I like being in groups, and being social, but it's impossible (in my opinion) to really be close to more than a couple of people. When I got married, Chris was it for me. I didn't need, or want, anyone else. This isn't so healthy I've realized. This puts so much pressure and many expectations on him, which isn't fair. But I really didn't have any interest in making other friends. It takes so much time to get to that safe, honest place with someone. I am a terrible initiator, but I think I've gotten a lot better over the past couple of years. It's hard to be vulnerable with people--they may hurt you. I've gotten hurt by several close friends (who hasn't...), and I hate putting myself out there again. But I need to. My husband has been such an encourager to me in this area. He always pushes me to reach out and be more friendly and open to people. I guess I tend to just keep to myself a lot, which is more comfortable. It's not good to stay comfortable I've realized. Then you don't grow, and stretch, and you miss out on a lot of wonderful things that are out there.

Just recently I've made some great friends...real friends. I do not like small talk (which is ironic since I am a hairstylist, and that's all I do while I'm working), and I do not like fakeness. I hate it, in fact. So if someone is fake, I really don't have any interest in being friends. I don't know if anyone likes fakeness, but some people can put up with it better than I can. I am just so appreciative for the friends I now have. It takes a lot of pressure off of Chris, and it energizes me so that when I am with my family, it's fresh and exciting. God is so good...He knows what we need, even when we don't. I needed friends all along, I was missing out. I wonder what I'm missing out on now...because I'm sure there's something.

Father's Day

Well, since it's Father's Day, I thought I'd reflect on what this day means to me. "Father", "Dad", "Daddy"....these aren't words that I've really known too well. I don't have a relationship with my biological father, and have never really had a steady "father figure" in my life either. This is a rough issue, and it's taken me a long time to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out, and I know it will always affect me in some way. But I have forgiven those who've wounded me, and I understand things aren't my fault.

When I was young I yearned for a dad...I still do at times. I desperately wanted someone to discipline me as only a dad can, I wanted a dad to hold me when I cried, pull me into his lap and tell me it's going to be okay. I needed a father's approval, affirmation, and love. I desired that fatherly advice, someone to be protective of me, and cherish me as father's do with their daughters. I would see my friend's dads scolding them for wearing too much makeup, and my friends rolling their eyes and being annoyed, while inwardly I was jealous because I wanted that so much. Any type of attention, good or bad, is what I wanted. It didn't come from my father, and there was a massive emptiness there because of that. It hurt, it still does, but I have come to know that I do have a Father, a Heavenly Father...and He will NEVER abandon me or hurt me. I always knew this concept, of God being our Father, but it never made much sense to me. Yes, God loves me, but he's not here physically to hold me or give me that attention I yearn for.

It's been quite recent that I've found this love from God... when I had Jonah (my 2 1/2 year old), I experienced the love one has for their child. It was a miraculous feeling...one that overwhelms you. This feeling has transformed my relationship with Christ. Now I know (in part) how He loves me. He loves me as I love my child...which is incredibly so. To think that God, the creator of the universe, the King of Kings--loves me?! Wow. To know I can call Him Father, and feel that massive hole being filled. Only God can do that...no man on earth can. I expected so much from a dad, and men. But men always disappoint, and God never does. This is a process, and I need to continually be praying for God to meet my needs. Daily, weekly, I struggle with this, but I know if I don't rely on Him, I will always be disappointed. Not a good feeling...

I am so thankful that my children will never feel a void the way I did. They have a great daddy in my husband. I know they will have different stuggles, and different heartaches that I hope will point them towards Christ...but at least I don't have to worry about this one. Us moms have enough to worry about...:)

Solomon Christopher

Well, the next man in my life is Solomon...aka Solo. He is almost 4 months old and precious. He is a great baby, not fussy except when hungry or tired. He is very smiley, and just started to laugh. His daddy is the best at getting him to sleep... Solo loves to be held at all times. He loves to watch his big brother Jonah, and our dog Job.

Having a second child is crazy... it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I expected it to be a challenge, but it's one of those things that you don't know how it will be until you're there. The first 2 months were pretty tough for me. Just balancing your time is the biggest thing. Trying to figure out how to still give your first child the attention they need, while nurturing a newborn, is difficult. And if you're nursing (as I am), it's even more so, since the baby is latched onto you most of the time. But it is wonderful. The feeling of being needed and loved by your child is the best feeling in the world. To know that I am the one person they desire more than anyone else (at least for now they are mamma's boys) is beyond explanation. Solomon has been a fantastic addition. We were so excited to have another boy, a brother for Jonah. We hope they have a special relationship someday... I can't wait to see them play and be boys together.

Jonah Adam

The next boy in my life is Jonah Adam Carpenter. He is 2 1/2 and hysterical. He makes us laugh constantly. He is very smart and independent. Of course, he is the cutest child around... duh. He talks constantly--so this proves to us he is in fact a Carpenter (if you know this family you will know what I mean). He just became potty trained, so he's big now.

He has changed me...from the day he was born I think. Having a child melts you. It softened me, made me more sensitive and compassionate. I have my days where I'm still as "tough" and not so tender, but over all I have become a softer person. Having him seemed to bring the emotions I've had inside just come to the surface more, and are revealed for all to see. It's a good thing, I believe. I am utterly in love with this child...he is incredible.

My husband

Since this is all new to me, I've decided to write about things I love. I'm not sure if I really have a certain "theme" going, or what... but for now let me tell you about my husband. He is amazing. When we met I thought he was way too cool for me... you know that feeling? He was older, more outgoing and confident, and everyone seemed to like him. One of those magnetic types. So obviously he wasn't too cool for me since we're married now. Or maybe he's just unaware of his coolness. Who knows. But I do have to brag about him, since I still wonder how I got so lucky. He is so talented. He writes music and plays/sings. I swear he could win American Idol...even though he would never, ever go on it because he's too cool (maybe he does know about his coolness). You all should go to his website and listen to some of the stuff he's done for our church's children's ministry. (tangentartist.com) But besides that, he is so kind and patient with me. Let me tell you, I can be a pain. Yes, he gets mad at me--but never yells or insults... it's always controlled. I, on the other hand, am not so loving when I am mad. It's a flaw of mine... When we had our son Jonah, my awe of him quadrupled. The way he loved him and took care of him amazed me. Now, with our second son, Solomon, I am even more amazed. I wish all kids could have a daddy like him. He is so patient and sweet to them, always helping me without complaint. I hear stories of husband's who are "babysitting", and it's this big sacrifice for them or something. Not with mine... he loves taking care of them and sometimes I wish I could do it as well as he does. I think he is the best.

New to blogging

So I've decided to try out a new hobby. Yep, you guessed it...blogging. It seems like the cool new "thing", or maybe I'm just behind the times. Whatever it is, I have a hard time believing people would actually be interested in my thoughts. Perhaps it's the allure of reading someone's "journal", which is typically not allowed. Perhaps it's that we try to make our lives more exciting by reading other's antics-which are not much more exciting than ours. Or maybe it's just what you people at desks do instead of working. I don't know the reasons, but I do know I would be flattered to be called "interesting".

I've always liked to write. I've never been an avid journaler (is that a word?), but I've tried my hand at fiction many times. It started in 4th or 5th grade when I was in counseling (can you believe I'm not perfect?!) and she suggested I start writing short stories, a series of them perhaps. It was therapeutic I suppose... at least she thought so. I did enjoy it though, and it stirred my imagination. In middle school my poetry phase began. I loved the challenge of being reflective and deep, in just a few short lines. Never rhyming though, I always thought that sounded hokey. I continued to do poetry throughout high school and beyond... I guess it's my favorite form of writing. But who knows? Maybe blogging will surpass even that...