Well, since it's Father's Day, I thought I'd reflect on what this day means to me. "Father", "Dad", "Daddy"....these aren't words that I've really known too well. I don't have a relationship with my biological father, and have never really had a steady "father figure" in my life either. This is a rough issue, and it's taken me a long time to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out, and I know it will always affect me in some way. But I have forgiven those who've wounded me, and I understand things aren't my fault.
When I was young I yearned for a dad...I still do at times. I desperately wanted someone to discipline me as only a dad can, I wanted a dad to hold me when I cried, pull me into his lap and tell me it's going to be okay. I needed a father's approval, affirmation, and love. I desired that fatherly advice, someone to be protective of me, and cherish me as father's do with their daughters. I would see my friend's dads scolding them for wearing too much makeup, and my friends rolling their eyes and being annoyed, while inwardly I was jealous because I wanted that so much. Any type of attention, good or bad, is what I wanted. It didn't come from my father, and there was a massive emptiness there because of that. It hurt, it still does, but I have come to know that I do have a Father, a Heavenly Father...and He will NEVER abandon me or hurt me. I always knew this concept, of God being our Father, but it never made much sense to me. Yes, God loves me, but he's not here physically to hold me or give me that attention I yearn for.
It's been quite recent that I've found this love from God... when I had Jonah (my 2 1/2 year old), I experienced the love one has for their child. It was a miraculous feeling...one that overwhelms you. This feeling has transformed my relationship with Christ. Now I know (in part) how He loves me. He loves me as I love my child...which is incredibly so. To think that God, the creator of the universe, the King of Kings--loves me?! Wow. To know I can call Him Father, and feel that massive hole being filled. Only God can do that...no man on earth can. I expected so much from a dad, and men. But men always disappoint, and God never does. This is a process, and I need to continually be praying for God to meet my needs. Daily, weekly, I struggle with this, but I know if I don't rely on Him, I will always be disappointed. Not a good feeling...
I am so thankful that my children will never feel a void the way I did. They have a great daddy in my husband. I know they will have different stuggles, and different heartaches that I hope will point them towards Christ...but at least I don't have to worry about this one. Us moms have enough to worry about...:)
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